You know what I'm talking about. A typical game preview will explain, in lurid detail, how the new graphics or the new AI or the new whatever made the writer achieve if not actual orgasm, then at least a fair degree of sexual arousal.

When I was much younger, British computer games magazines taught me a new euphemism for ejaculation: "spooge". Magazines like PC Zone and PC Accelerator, even PC Gamer all described various new games as "spooge" or "spoogeworthy" or as causing the writer "to spooge". PC Zone, for instance, described the experience of first playing the Quake technology test as "Step one: install game. Step two: spooge."

I've been involved with PC PowerPlay in various capacities for the best part of seven years now, I've at least seen, if not actually played, every major PC game released during that time, and not a single one of them caused a stir in the old underpants. I mean, I've been amazed and delighted and astounded and rocked and astonished, but never in, you know, that way. Perhaps I need to seek medical attention.

Or perhaps, as seems more likely, most games commentary is written by young men and most young men have, shall we say, spooge on the brain.

Claiming a new product has caused you to achieve sexual climax is not limited to games commentary, of course. Most frequently you see it in porn, followed by automotive journalism. The team over at Top Gear recently claimed the new Alfa Romeo Brera caused them to have "accidents in their trousers". But there it is very much delivered tongue-in-cheek, and only rarely. In games commentary, it's endless. Inescapable.

I like to think of myself as fairly liberated. You can regale me with whatever sick perverted stuff that floats your boat, you can show me explicit violence on TV and at the movies, you can spam my Inbox into oblivion with Wet Slippery Teens (TM) and I'll barely bat an eyelid. But for some reason, as a man, reading commentary by another man, saying he's ejaculated into his underwear because some new game has good graphics, puts me off.

There's probably some innate sexism at work here. When Meg Ryan famously had whatever it was she was having in When Harry Met Sally, that was liberating. When a middle class white male games writer says Unreal Tournament 3 makes him "pop a tent in front", that's just gross.

Perhaps it's because so much gaming on PC is done in the privacy of one's own room or den, often with the door closed. And let's be honest, when the proper time comes (as it were) for self-gratification, it's done in the same part of the house. For some, the very PC itself is a conduit to sexual satisfaction, via the legal erotic online content of your choice.

What I'm saying is, the games writer who says Company of Heroes gets him off, probably does get off, at his computer, pants around the ankles or perhaps discarded into the hamper for total comfort. And I for one don't want to have that image implanted in my brain while I'm reading my games mag on the bus.

This isn't an anti-games-wanking manifesto. Hell, I have nothing to prove: check my own work dating back to PCPP#56 - you'll find not a single reference to my genitals, if you don't count the time the readers collectively kicked me in the balls for putting an Xbox section in the mag for three issues.

I would send this out to my fellow games writers though. Please, at least consider directing the wanking and the jizzing and all those other hilarious euphemisms toward, shall we say, more suitable outlets. Ladies in bikinis. And such. Because we all know you're lying anyway: no one cuffs one off when they finally get their Epic Mount in World of Warcraft...

...do they?