Once again, thanks to the Trump Whitehouse, the old debate has sparked up yet again: do video games teach players to fall back on violence as a solution to all things? Should we, in other words, stop shooting nazis and try to just... all of us get along?
Well, I have strong opinions on that (No, to cut a long story short), but over on r/AskReddit a bunch of wags have posed a far more interesting question:
It's a good question, and to paraphrase a television show that dates me with more precision than rings in a tree, I'm glad they asked. Here are ten of the best responses, in no particular order.
1. Orbital Mechanics, via Kerbal Space Program
"Kerbal Space Program genuinely does do a better job of teaching basic orbital mechanics, and making them intuitive, than any astrophysics class you will ever take. " - Notmiefault
This is very true. It will also turn you into that person who can only ever talk about Kerbal Space Program at parties. Only one of these things is really cool.
2. All kinds of cool shit, via Assassin's Creed
"I can run forever, climb buildings with ease, do cool parkour, sneak very sneakily, survive falls from orbit by landing in a cart of hay, fight like a pro, and have a nice hood." - AaronTheFox17
If I fell into a cart of hay even from street level I'd probably pull a muscle AND come down an allergy reaction. But totes agree on cool hoods.
3. Where the loot's at, via every second game ever.
"I have learned to never go the correct direction in a maze. All the good loot is in the wrong direction dead ends so always check them first." - Rathmar
I really want to know what mazes this guy is actually wandering around in and what kind of loot they're finding. I hope it's not empty coke cans and used syringes.
4. Retake the Holy Land, via Crusader Kings
"I learned how to fuck my sister, imprison and murder my children, eat people, play chess with Death, regrow my dick after castration due to being Satan's son, give immortal horses and bears government offices, and, most importantly, to retake Jerusalem!" - Estellion
I take it back - this would be WAY worse at parties than Kerbal Space guy.
5. Hooking, via Overwatch
"I've learnt how to hook someone with a hook and chain towards me, heal myself completely by inhaling a chemical mixture, and effectively shoot people with a sawed off shotgun." - PeteZone
I learned that from Mad Max, but the important thing is that we've learned useful new skills.
6. Inventory anxiety, via too damn many games
"Achievement Unlocked: Become a Hoarder." - Huarbolo
To be honest I get inventory anxiety in real life. But it's worth it carry a frying pan wherever I go.
7. Wilderness skills, via Skyrim etc
"Dangerous animals will only go after me if I get within a certain distance, and if I do, I can just run away from them for like 10-20 seconds before they inevitably lose interest." - DarthContinent
As someone who used to be a bow-hunter back in the day I can safely say this one is totally inaccurate. Animals only lose interest in you after 10-20 seconds if you can outrun your mate in that timeframe.
8. Foriegn languages, via ultra-detailed flight sims
"I've -no joke- learned to read Cyrillic script because of the cockpit gauges in IL2 Sturmovik." - Ravenchant.
I believe this. As someone with no patience for ultra-detailed flight sims, I too would probably learn to read Cyrillic before I even managed to get off the ground. And I SUCK at languanges. Languagssses. Lang... Words. I suck at words.
9. Animal cruelty, via any Mario game
"Jumping on turtles." - Ludechking
Okay, so Kerbal guy and Crusader guy are infinitely better than this at parties if you own a pet turtle.
10. Extended urination, via The Sims
"How to go to the bathroom for 2 hours." - a_monkey666
Okay, frankly, don't invite any of these people to a party because shit is going to get WEIRD.